Tentacles of the Squid

The title is completely random. I swear.

So, my weight is becoming an issue. I don't have much of it is the problem. My plan is to gain weight, and then exercise it off. Muscle mass! Or am I just stuck in a dream?

Nope.

2009 is coming closer. I feel like I haven't accomplished what I wanted to at this point. Perhaps 2009 is going to be fruitful. I will look forward to it!

Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away)

Originally posted December 15, 2008:

If only it were that simple.

I want to say that I'm tired of having 70%+ of my blogs being about Kate, but I can't help it. It's all said and done. I can edit all the entries I want, but I'll still end up writing another at four in the morning, complaining how I can't sleep. I need to get over it. I'm forcing myself not to care, and maybe it's not the best thing to do, but there isn't any other way to deal with it. Genuinely not caring is easy. Forcing yourself to not caring is hard. Extremely hard. I've done this before, that's what kills me. Burning away the fondness I have for her down to just being a casual friend is something I don't look forward to again, but it's all my fault. My words, my timing, my actions; whatever I say or do, it'll always be my fault, because that's how it always ends up as.

Why? I don't know.

I'm going to mention that I've been liking a lot of the Deftones' songs lately, as the title is a song by them. I don't know, I guess most of their songs have been summing up the way of I've been feeling recently.

The next destination is Target, then moving on the rest of my life.

Dad better have received my e-mail! I hate FAFSA

Conclusion

I told her.

But I only said that I still liked her, and that I didn't expect anything from her. Kate understood, but she said nothing else.

I've concluded that her feelings of me are mixed. She probably doesn't think of me like she used too, how she told me exactly what I told her just a few minutes ago. Kate revealed to me that she still liked me over a year ago (last November) but this no longer holds to be true.

It's not her unrequited love that hurts the most, but it's the damn irony. When she told me last November, I had just gotten over my feelings for her, to a point where I wanted her to date someone else. We were hundreds of miles apart, so even if I said I still liked her then, that love would have dissolved very quickly. But now that I have moved back, it would seem that those ancient, undying feelings for Kate resurfaced, and I found myself infatuated once again. It took me this long to tell her how I currently felt about her, but it seems Kate's feelings are no longer there. And I'm stuck here wondering what I should do now.

Whether she is going to think about this matter any deeper or totally disregard my feelings because she has given up on the prospect of starting another relationship with me is definitely unclear, but I'm not going to doubt either one. The best thing to do now is do what I need to do, which is find work and apply for school, with Dad's help of course. Another thing, is, continue with Desire. That's the only thing I have left to win Kate's heart again, despite its continuous need of time, money, and effort.

If all fails, then that's okay. Really, it is. At least I will know that it was never meant to be.

Until then, I still remain hopeful. Maybe something good will come my way.

Decision

Why am I so nervous?

I'm going in expecting nothing in my favor, so if I am rejected, it won't hurt as much.

When everything is said and done, I'll still be alright.

Climbing Out of the Hole

I thought all my problems would be solved once I arrived in Connecticut. Now, some 6 months later, I find myself still stuck with the same dilemmas that plagued me while I was in Virginia. But, I have no one to blame except for myself. Instead of mending my problems, I come here and blog about my woe. It's not really solving anything; putting all my frustrations into text is what I'm doing.

I'm an expert at digging myself into a hole. Ever since June, I've been digging myself deeper in a dark pit of misery. I'm so far down, that I've stumbled across some dinosaur bones!

Now, I can tell what I can do to get the hell out of this hole, and it's very simple: First and foremost, get a job, any job, any where. Secondly, apply for MCC and FAFSA before the January deadline. Last, but not least, I must let Kate know. I have to. There's no dodging it this time. I can't avoid any longer. Whenever I can get some time alone with her, it'll be an ideal moment to tell her.

I'll still be sailing the sea, chasing the enigmatic.

Beating Around The Bush

It seems I've been doing alot of that lately.

Well, I've said it thousands of times before, but I've never lived up to my word. So why is this time any different from the cowardice displayed in past attempts? Well, I can't find anything that's really different, so I'm sure it's the same as the others. I'll do it this time; I shouldn't be afraid.

November is at its end, and yet I am still jobless. I'm not gonna wait for Wal-Mart's bullshit. They've already pissed me off. I'll look else where, perhaps in food service if I have to. I'm going to Barnes & Noble tomorrow and ask if they're hiring. Then onto Staples. Then wherever I may roam.

Because, you know, wherever I lay my head is home. Wooah, yeah!

I'm getting the strangest feeling that rejection and or acceptance is what's going to give me the motivation that I need to complete all the things I've neglected.

All I want is for my feelings to be requited.

Is that so much to ask for?

The Secrecy of the Untitled

In addition to my ongoing personal project, I have created another in the form of sequenced illustration. I'm in the process of creating a graphic novel, or perhaps a comic, which ever seems like the appropiate category, and all it's necessary components such as plot, setting, characters, and so forth.

I've gotten as far as creating characters and their characteristics, and some progress with the plot. However, my main dilemma is giving this pile of literary and artistic creativeness a name. I've struggled to find a suitable title, but I've given it a name holder in the form of the Untitled Fantasy Adventure.

-

In other news, I may start working in the Photo Center in Walmart soon. This is a position I may very well come to hate. With a passion.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Yay!

I'm going to continue working on the UFA. I hope I can start getting some awesome sketches in.

Break

It's hard not to get lost in a monotonous life style that mostly consists of doing nothing.

I'm trying to get this straight. I'm going to do it soon, before December. Damn private college. Once I'm in though, it's all good from there. You just have to show interest.

Starting this new illustrated adventure might be harder than I had previously thought. I'm not so sure where to begin! I know what I want to do, but I haven't gotten as far as creating character names, places, plots, or even sketch out any details. This is horrible! During the planning and developing process, I'm turning towards Kazu Kibuishi's example, among many other popular illustrators on the interwebs.

I have yet to wake up early to go jog at Powder Hollow. I've been meaning to do that for a while now. So, tonight I will go to bed early, if I'm not at Kate's house. Then I'll get up around 5 o'clock, get ready, then jog. I may have to buy actual running shoes.

I should only get what I need.

That's it for now.

One Year Ago, pt. 1

We've progressed.

So, this dude, Barack Obama, just won the presidency.

It also happens to be my 19th birthday, my last year as a teenager. Time flies by so quickly.

I'm a bit eager to see what the rest of my life has in store for me.

Crazed, Dazed, and Slightly Confused

It shouldn't feel like a routine.

Applying for unemployment has to be done. It just has to. Also, applying for FAFSA and U Hart should also be done sometime in the very near future.

Do I live at Kate's house? Some would agree, like her parents. It's getting ridiculous, although I love being around Kate. I just wonder if her parents are getting sick of seeing me and Haley. Whatever, as long as she wants to see me, I'll always be there. I guess you can say I'm making up for the three years of absence.

And I couldn't care any less if Bob or anyone else is mad at me for doing so. Kate and I do spend a lot of time together because she's my close friend, and also because I like her. I do have friends who I don't spend anytime with: Dale, Pat, Nolan, Adam, Dylan, Tony, and Chris. I've been meaning to hang with all of them, but they're never available when I am. So, I'm tired of the bitching. I do what I can to please.

November's here, along with all the joy it brings.

That was sarcasm by the way.

If you didn't catch it, I don't blame you.

Struggling For A Title

We all have our moments.

It's a story of some kind. A work of epic fiction authored by the two. I'm not entirely sure what it's about, but it's none of my business, so I'll keep out of it from now on.

The cats have worms, and Nancy is pissed. This only leads to the ever evident deterioration of my faith and patience with Bob. The guy is acting way too possessive and outstandingly ludicrous. He dramatizes things in a manner which suggests preposterous circumstances surrounding others or myself. He's becoming a loony! Well, not quite. He may just have a stick up his ass. That seems to be the latest fashion these days.

The days of October weaken and November looms it's radiant and attractive head around the calendar's corner. Huzzah! Next week will mark my 19th birthday! And on that day, apparently, I have an interview with Sears to hopefully become an Office Associate. Fantastic. In the meantime, I'll continue my hunt for the elusive employment elsewhere.

Since I've discovered what was really going on, I'll hopefully be countering with my own little work of fiction. However, this won't be just literature, but illustrated literature! That's right, a graphic novel of epic proportions. Fantasy, adventure, romance and all the like! It'll feature characters based on real life people! Oh, how I can feel the excitement right now! All I need to do is to practice my craft with the pencil and or pen.

I want to join this gym, or any gym for that matter, soon. I know I promised myself that I would, and that's a promise I intend to keep.

Trees continue burn the colors of Autumn and will quickly brace their soon naked forms against the chilling breeze of winter.

Rumble In The Unemployment

At least Jackie Chan is still making money.

Let me start by saying that my work tenure at Hasbro finally ended Friday night when I, along with Kate and Haley, was laid off. Tracy explained that stores were canceling their orders of board games, because no body was buying them. Bill then went on the say that the economy's bad shape is also a reason why they have to let more people from the company go. So sad, so depressing. I must now resume the inevitable job hunt once again.

Spending the entire weekend at Kate's house was awesome. You know, if we were bad kids who had no morals or self-control, we probably would have had sex that whole time her parents were gone. Even though I did sleep in the same bed with Kate, there was nothing sexual about it, especially since Haley was there too. We are not dating, and I am her close friend, however I still have feelings for her. Maybe she does too. Perhaps that's the reason why she allows me to be so close to her, why she allows me to sleep next to her, or hold her in my arms when we both drift off in a slumber. I'm just saying. I love her, and I know she knows that.

[edit] Refer to the blog entry on October 29, 2008 [/].

Sunday was the Renaissance Fair! I wasted a lot of money on a pirate shirt, a Boromir horn, and a sweet Arabian sword. So cool. I'll definitely be dressing up as a pirate for next year's fair. And it will be epic.

That's it for now.

Cautious Cardplay

I don't want to deal the wrong hand.

So, I registered to vote today. However, I didn't enroll in either the Republican party or the Democratic party because I want to know exactly what each party stands for, which is something I'm a little unclear about. Ah, to hell with it! What's done is what's done.

Spending this entire weekend with Kate, or most of it. And when say "spending", I actually mean living. Yes, I'll be living at Kate's house for the weekend. Cue my devilish, naughty grin.

Ah, whatever.

Additional Blogs Coming Soon

In addition to my personal blog, The Cove, I'll be creating two other blogs with clever titles. Expect to see...

The Photo Forest - This will become my official photo blog once I get the Canon Rebel I've been wanting. Behold! For it will showcase pieces in my Photography Portfolio.

The Captain's Scribbles - This ill be an illustrative blog featuring my improving skills as an illustrator.

I'm excited.

A Gaming Frenzy

Video games, video games, video games! I can't get enough of them.

My wallet is crying because of it.

So, I still need to save up my money. I currently have around $360 in my account, and come next Friday, I'll soon have $440. Then after that, the serious savin' begins. The main focuses are on my car troubles, which include: repairing the bad fuel injection, changing the oil, changing the spark plugs, rotating the tires, checking the brake pads, and buying more window washer fluid. That's a bundle of fun waiting to burn a hole through my pockets.

Kate's family is like a surrogate family. Honestly, how many Friday nights have I slept over and have her Mom worry about me driving late at night?

Oh, how I love them.

Inner Scrutiny

Goals - It's hard to reach them, that's why we don't even bother half the time.

However, my feathery wings of optimism will carry me through all the doubt and self-loathing. Plus, I have great motivation. I'll admit that it can be difficult, even to the point where the stress and agony can become encumbering. I honestly don't know how I do it most of the time. I've never broken completely down, but I feel like I get pretty close to it.

Deep down, I'm ashamed of myself for not being any better at this point. What did I expect? Why would everything land in the palms of my hands while I did absolutely nothing to obtain them? And I'm not being too analytical. This is the way things are for me; it's the truth. I'm always sailing the seas of uncertainty, never coming close to reality's shores. That's salvation.

They say the truth about me. I realize that. My self-esteem has completely shattered, but I'll get better. That's the whole reason of DESIRE.

I guess I am a fool.

Violater

Doing the unnecessary.

So, I found the cause of the empty feeling I've been having. I have not engaged in any type of creative output since I moved back to Connecticut. I haven't been doing any illustrating, photography, or writing. It's always been work. However, I've decided that will all change. I am going to start waking up early in the morning and just start drawing, and perhaps do some photography out somewhere peaceful.

I may want to start saving up my money as much as possible, because I'm sure Hasbro might be giving me the boot soon, come next month or December.

I also need to get my college things straightened out before it's too late.

There are many things that need to be done.

Artistic Depletion

My artistic creativeness is dying, and it's all my fault. I should practice once again! But the fact that I don't have what I want (my digital SLR), it makes everything difficult.

Not much to talk about, other than it was Friend Night over at Kate's yesterday. Her family picked up Sarah(?), Christine's German exchange student who will be staying with them for three weeks. Kate's been banished to the parlor! That's too bad.

I love ass grabbing.

The Tides of Dreams

I'm pretty sure that was the infamous title.

I promised myself that I wouldn't go back there, but I couldn't resist. I did, and I read some really old blogs that just seem embarrassing now. I think I was going to vomit.

It can never be that way again.

Speaking of vomit, Sausage-fest was great. Food, cool people, water drinking contests, Melon-ball, and Andy Winn. How can you go wrong?

The digital SLR Canon Rebel will have to wait. Give it a month, when I'll actually have money to spend.

I got to go sail the sea of sleep.

Reassurance

Was that what it was?

So, maybe I'm in a position where I cannot become something more.

Sausage-fest Saturday. It's going to be hella awesome.

Autobiography

I guess I'm the author who's writing his story as he goes.

I decided that I will continue dropping hints until I see a concrete result, favoring either outcome. My actions from then on will depend on her reactions. If it favors me, I'll pop the question. If it does not favor me, I'll just continue with my project until its completion, and then I'll do it again. I think back on everything that has happened and I ask, "how could I be wrong about this?"

All these years, and I'm the conspirator. Or perhaps we all are. Who knows? It's best that we don't know. We should keep to ourselves.

It keeps getting worse, however, I can stomach them for now. I know this sounds a bit weird and all, but it's my way of dealing with things. I'm not bothering anyone, so it can't be bad.

I'll be driving Kate and Haley to work everyday this week. Maybe something will happen.

The Man of Mystery

If only I were as awesome as Austin Powers, oh, the wonders that would follow me!

So, sleeping over Kate's house wasn't as a big of a deal as I thought it would be. What was I expecting? An awkward silence between me and her parents? A completely sporadic but planned out moment of intimacy in the middle of the night? Getting attacked by a legion of ninjas while I slept? Perhaps the latter, but honestly, it was nice.

I guess she just trusts me enough to allow me to spend the night. We do have a history, but I doubt that was accounted for in her decision making, or maybe it was? Who knows- only she will, and it should be that way.

I wonder what was in that IM between her and Haley that was so personal, I wasn't allowed to read it? Well, if you think about, it could have been a number of things. In that case, it's better off I didn't know.

The next time I'm certain that I'll be sleeping over Kate's house, I'll pack my own clothes.

Big E today. Get ready for a whole heap of surprises. I have to try to remember my situation; it'll help for later.

Scrambled Brains

Served directly from my head.

Seriously though, I shouldn't be pissed off right now, but I am. It's hard to extinguish the fire, you know? Sometimes there isn't enough firefighters to get the job done.

There are a few things that I need to take care of soon, before they get out of hand. I'm still a little lost on what to do.

Bashing your head into a wall is sometimes an effective remedy for stress, blinding anger, and frustration. The gears of sense start functioning again inside my noggin, even though the act is pretty stupid. Think of all the lumps! Scratch that; don't think, because it might make your head hurt even more.

I'm unsure where to go from here. I'll make the call tomorrow, and see what happens. I realize that I have to do it tomorrow, or else it will never be done, and no progress will be made.

Either I'm going crazy, or I"m an idiot. Many would agree with the latter.

Spontaneous Cardiac Combustion

Shrug it off, Mikey. Shrug it off.

I should not be questioning myself like I am. I'm supposed to be unwavering; like an indestructible wall. I don't know why I'm so easily wounded. How long can I keep saying this to myself before I break? I'm confident in my abilities to withstand the barrage. I should look at it as a test, because I'm better than it. Even though I say this, I'm still lost out at sea with a broken compass.

I'm dumb. I'm stupid. I'm hopeless. I'm retarded. Maybe they are right.

It's hard being an adult.

I really have been gone from Connecticut for a long time.

Reflections

In this post, I will be reviewing and comparing myself to me four years ago, citing the differences. This should be very fun.

Mikey, circa 2004.

• Physical Health - Skinny. "Was it you string bean?"
• Mental Health - An emo git.
  
• Appearance - Sluggish and messy. The long hair didn't help either.
  
• Attitude - Paranoid.
• Overall - Hopeless.

Mikey, 2008 - Present

• Physical Health - Still skinny. "Ya skinny ass mother fucker!"
• Mental Health - A clear, mature conscience. Or at least somewhat.
• Appearance - Matured.
• Attitude - A bit goofy, but I try to look smart.
• Overall - Optimistic.

Wow, who knew that so much can change over the course of a couple of years? It's for the better, believe me.

Flustercuck

A lot of shit went down, and all I can say is that I'm not so hot right now. Not one bit.

I'm worried sick. I really am. I wonder if she's going to be okay when she gets out of the hospital. How will she cope with this? Dad and I share the same views on the situation and I hope to whatever God there is helps her heed our words. What she got herself into was pretty toxic, and she needs to see the truth in this, because there is no future in that "union", so to speak.

Everyone was scared shitless when I broke the news. I was almost in tears because I had no idea what happened and feared that it was the worst. I gave Kate and Haley quite a scare, and I apologize. Not only to them but to Mr. and Mrs. Grant (Donald & Ruth). I also should apologize to Xanth and Amarah because they got dragged into the mess as well. But it was just that: a huge mess.

She said she would be willing to live her life for me. And I know she meant it. I would say the same thing if I were ever in her situation. It's just like what Dad said: you're life is not your own, but is owned by your family and your friends who love you. If you take your own life, you are also killing apart of the lives of everyone else around you. Suicide is the ultimate selfish act one person could ever commit.

Christina, if you're reading this, keep it to yourself. And I mean it. Do you understand?

On a slight happier note, I am writing this very entry on my new Sony Vaio laptop. It is pure bliss.

Plundering Booty

I wonder if I should really spoil myself like I'm planning to.

So, Saturday I'll be able to buy the Sony Vaio I've been eyeing for weeks now. It'll be pretty sweet that I will have my own laptop now. Pretty sweet indeed.

The other things will just have to wait, I'm afraid.

I thought I said that I was going to stop beating around the bush. So, 2 months later, why am I still? Because I'm retarded. I'm pretty sure that's what she would say. The solution: actually doing what I said what I was going to do, which is what will happen.

Things seems to be fine, for now. Can't wait for my laptop! The next post will be from it. Awesome.

Never Coming True

Everything and everyone. It's all a fantasy.

Well, this was an interesting week. I had much to think about, mostly on what direction I'm taking my life, and everyone that's in it.

Since moving back up here, I expected a glowing beam of hope and happiness to instantly shine down on me. Like this was some sort of Promise Land where I could achieve bliss. Well, it's harder than I realized. That crap takes time and a ton of patience. I still feel kind of miserable, maybe even more so than I was in Virginia, but when I look at the Pros and Cons, I've concluded that I am better off right here.

I wonder if I'm coming any closer, or straying further away? I always seem to make things difficult when they really shouldn't be.

It also must be my fault that I'm alone right now. Bored out of my mind, and trying to find something to do.

You can't always have what you want - I've been saying that to myself for awhile now.

Severely Disappointing

On my behalf, of course.

Sometimes, I have the weirdest, nonsensical dreams. It was pretty bad.

Now that the work week is over, I need set out on my day of doing important things while I have the chance. Yes, a chance.

So, it has occurred to me why I never got a ticket on the S.S. Happy Fun Times. It's because I'm a Scalora, and the demand for Scaloras is at a low, isn't it? Someone wasn't happy with the product, and now they refuse to play with it? Or is it a fault on our behalf? A mixture of both, I believe.

Hopefully, I get to hang out with people today.

Rare

I've never posted any sort of fiction here before. Then again, "The Yearning Seafarer" was not meant as a fictional piece, but as a nautical-themed metaphor of my true feelings.

I also posted it onto Facebook. That way, it may get more exposure.

Dropping little hints here and there is no problem of mine.

The Yearning Seafarer

A boat and her captain sailed out of this harbor to witness the sea in all her unbridled beauty before I ever had the chance. Now I'm stuck here on the shores, with sand between my toes, watching as the sea caresses this fledgling sailor on top her waves. The scene is perfect, rendering me, a fool, obsolete.

I clench my fist; I curse myself for being an imbecile and wasting my time with pointless pondering when I could have prepared my galleon for a nautical voyage across the sea's eternal love. However, this time, it was not to be. It is now the sole privilege of this young new man, who tackled the challenge of riding the currents of the sea with such ease and grace that I could have only dreamed of. Fate has it as it is, as he sails off over the horizon with destiny's gales to his back. They beckon him to her heart, a treasure I still dearly seek. Resentment resides, but I manage to muster a smile for the young seafarer. He sails her waters so, and for that, he must be the better man.

But this is not the end. I fathom the reality that his ship must sink someday, and that I shall take up my helm to return on her waters like years before. That one day, my love will pierce through the blue depths of the ocean, reclaiming the treasure to which I once held. I thought of this, and concluded that the beach is no place for a sailor.

My sorrows have seen the bottom of the rum bottle, and I will not sit idly by while my heart is mocked in front of my eyes.

My galleon awaits my guiding hand, and I will guide it through the ocean vast, seeking the treasure sought out by more than just one man.

I sail, once again.

Minus the Pre-Marital Sex

Anyone with me? No? Aw, screw you. But not literally.

So, it's after three in the morning and I can't fall asleep. Probably because I have many things on my mind right now. Or it could be the sugar. A mixture of both then.

Damn it! I left my sweet-ass hoodie at work today! But it may still be there on Monday...

Damn it again! My neck is red and sore from the daily harassment of Kate and Haley!

But I love those two, so it's okay.

Childish

Sometimes, I act more like a child then what I lead others to believe. How immature of me.

It's none of my business. I keep forgetting this truth, mainly because my jealously blinds me for a couple of moments. But I've come back to my senses, like an adult should, and have re-realized that it's none of my business. None at all.

It's become more complicated than I thought. I believe that the best thing to do is concentrate on improving myself, both physically and mentally, all over again. Now, this doesn't mean that I'm giving up; I'll never give up, but it just means it's no longer my first priority. There are many other things that could use my attention right now, which all have been suffering because of my neglect.

I've been trying so hard to push away my growing resentment. I wouldn't exactly call it "hate", because that's a very strong word that shouldn't be casted on just anything. Much like the word "love", despite being completely opposite in meaning. It's interesting how my emotions can turn and become completely the opposite, huh?

Perhaps there isn't a place for me. That the vacant spot I created when I left has been filled, and now that I've returned, there just isn't any space for me anymore. Is that the truth? A demotion. Ha ha ha. No, it's not like that at all, or at least that's what I want to believe.

I'll always be there. Past, present, and future. I wonder if that's known? I can't deny how I still feel, and I won't, but like I said, it's no longer my top priority.

But I refuse give up, because she's still important to me.

Tranquility Is All I Want

And it's no lie.

So, I'm looking forward to the weekend, as usual. Tomorrow is Nancy's birthday; she's finally turning 21! We grow old so fast.

I'm going to be changing the layout of this blog pretty damn soon. Perhaps tomorrow. I hate seeing this thing all gloomy-like. It sends the wrong message, you know? There isn't much that's worse than sending the wrong message.

Again, I'm trying to make sense of Kate's abuse towards me. Is it really just how she's expressing her affection? That her constant ridicule and jabs to my manhood are actually vessels for her love of me?

Or is it something more complicated, like her actions are actually a true reflection of an inner dislike towards me, for whatever reason. Because I moved away? The three years of absence from her life; has she secretly hated me for it? Ha ha. I believe I'm thinking about all of this too seriously.

In due time.

Balls for Loan: Discontinued!

Siggy has been saying that I should use my "balls" more often, like a man should. I guess she's right in a way; I haven't been standing up for myself as much as I have in past. Well, it's gotten better, so there!

Projekt Revolution was a blast. Linkin Park was awesome, as expected, and so was Chris Cornell, who I'm not that big of a fan of. I'm so glad I went for free. Now that I mentioned it... every concert I ever been to, I went for free. I'm one lucky bastard, huh?

I work for the next five days. Whoopee.

World Domination

It's a fantasy that I'll only accomplish in my wildest dreams.

So, I had some questions that got answered. Now I can feel a little bit better as to where all of this might be heading. However, I still haven't done the most obvious thing, because I'm not exactly sure what the right time is to doing it, or if there even is a right time at all. This shouldn't be this confusing.

First week a of work sucked balls. I'm being honest. It's easy, but it can hell at times. If Kate wasn't there to put a smile on my face, I'd be loony 5 days a week.

Whatever issues I happen to resolve, life always throws more my way.

Square One

It's just like Shiloh said: it feels like we're back in the senior's lounge in high school, when we all hung out, and I had a crush on Kate. Well, I think we're back to that same moment once again. Sigh. I should just talk to her about us. Jeez.

Everybody's workin' for the weekend! I know I am. Shiiiit.

Two major things are left standing in my way. Wait. Make that three. You know what you are.

I've tried writing a checklist, but we all know how my imagination wonders, and that almost certainly leads to embarrassment. It's happened twice before.

Sleep- she's one demanding mistress.

Just Another Day

So I thought.

I start work tomorrow. I'm sure that will have its share of interesting turn outs.

At any rate, things have been going "swimmingly". I still need a mattress. Sleeping on memory foam really sucks, and I also need proper bed sheets. I suppose I'll worry about that when I have the money. I hate how everything revolves around money! But it's a love-hate relationship, isn't it? Ha ha.

"Better days are soon to come", I used to say. Although these are indeed better days (the fact that I'm no longer in Virginia makes every day a better day), there are still some wrinkles I need to iron, if you know what I mean.

Any way, the fireworks are tonight, so I look forward to that. I also need to do my laundry... speaking of laundry and clothes, I need more shirts.

Damnit! There I go again.

Mikey Forlorn

What Is It That I Want?

That's a question that I have asked myself. What do I really want? Do I want a relationship? Does she want a relationship? What I do I want in that relationship? We can't be serious right away, then again, we can't be distant either.

If I say what I want to say to her, will that jeopardize the friendship that we share? Would that make things better or worse?

Leaves in the Wind

It's hard to tell what it's going to be like in a couple of years. Best not to think about it.

So, not much has changed since my last post. I'm feeling many things right about now: anxious, impatient, nervous, stressed, angry, sad, silly, scared, determined, and in love. Terribly in love. I'm pretty sure it's not safe to feel all of that at once, but you know. Whatever.

I still stand by everything that I have said so far. I'm waiting for my chance. The opportune moment. I just don't when that'll be, or even what to do, for that matter. But I have the utmost trust in myself to figure all of that out when the time comes for confessing. Well, it's not really "confessing" because we already know... or maybe I should say it just for the sake of saying it?

This entry is getting obnoxious. I'll edit this when I get the chance.

I hope for a smooth sailin'.

Spyglass

It's time to stop beating around the bush. Heh heh. I'm so childish.

But really, when I'm with her, I feel compelled to talk about us. We haven't yet, and it gets a little awkward sometimes. The awkwardness is usually (and pretty much always) my fault, unfortunately.

Awaiting orientation for Hasbro. Hopefully, Mr. Payne calls my back. Hurray! I've been having these crazy ideas for a graphic novel. But it irks me so damn much when I try to do character illustrations! I wish I was as good as Kazu Kibuishi, Rad Sechrist, Georgia Horesh, or Andy Dickman. Those guys know what the hell they're doing! Me? I'm just a lowly amateur. Ha ha. Well, whatever.

Practice makes perfect, right?

I sure hope so.

Still In Effect

It sure is.

Well, that dude from Hasbro called me back and I have an interview tomorrow morning at 9:30 a.m. I guess that's good.

Takin' it easy for now. We'll see what happens in these crazy days.

My shirt from yesterday smells like her. <3

Is that so wrong?

Hello Connecticut

Indeed so.

So, my struggle for employment continues. I honestly hope I can snag a job by the end of this month, which is not that far off, so that I can at least ensure that my share of the rent will be paid by my own money. Plus, having a job is a good thing. Isn't that obvious? Of course it is, you idiot, and with all of that money (whatever that's left from paying your bills) you can spend on pretty much any thing that you want. I mean, it's your money, right?

Well, I'll worry about that when I actually have money to spend. I'm just focusing on getting a job. And... I can't really help it, but my mind is also else where. Somewhere. Like a side quest in a video game, but this one is important. In fact, it's too important for me to compare it to a video game, so I'm gonna stop doing that. Heh, she makes me feel awesome on the inside. And I suppose that's a good thing, considering my feelings for her. Should I be blogging about this? I am being discreet. Points for me!

Nancy has crossed the town line of Moralsville to Crazy-Insane-Bizarro-Fuck Town. But she still has a clear conscious. Is that even possible? Oh well, I hope she knows what she's doing. It could be a lot worse.

C'est la vie!

Farewell Virginia

I move tomorrow, leaving behind Virginia as I once dreamed. Reality doesn't hit harder than this.

Even though I do look forward to coming back to Connecticut (and trust me, I do), I can't help but wonder how changed everyone might be. What will they think of me? It's almost almost scary, but I tell myself I have nothing to be scared about. That I shouldn't let the small things piss me off so easily like they did before. I'm better than that, I know better than that. I should really just concentrate on catching up with old friends.

"Gonna go work for the man!" Dad says. Honestly, I'm not worried at all. This should have been happening a couple of years ago. As always, it's my fault that it didn't. Oh, don't worry, I'm not bitter or anything, as I've come to accept this, but I am mad at myself for not taking an opportunity earlier on.

I did some editing around here recently. I pretty much deleted all of my nonsensical ranting (all of which could have been considered "emo"). I don't why; I mean, as far as I know, I'm the only one who reads this shiiite. Still, I couldn't bring myself to reread all of that stuff with a second glance, so I just got rid of it.

I'll be in Connecticut by this time tomorrow.

Desire

I don't care anymore.

I think my desire has gotten so strong, that now I don't even care what happens. I don't care she starts dating someone else, I don't dare if she just sees me as one of her best friends, I don't care if she falls in love with another... I don't care. I just don't. I can wait. I can wait for her.

Why?

It's because I've fallen in love with her... again.

And seeing her will nourish my soul with a warmth it so badly needs.

I yearn for the day.

Mikey's Apology

I have to apologize for my previous post. I was writing it in a fit of anger. Pretty ugly and juvenile. So again, I apologize.

Well, now that I have calmed down since then, let me muse on what is going to officially happen.

My father is arriving here in VA via Amtrak Saturday morning. I honestly want to leave then, when he arrives, and probably will, since he has stated that he has no problem with doing that. However, he does want to see my two little sisters, and my mother will probably force me to wait. Bah.

Any way, certain peoples are disappointed that I won't be coming down as expected. I , personally, feel terrible about this whole thing. I'll be missing an event that is important to me, and she was really hoping that I'd be there, but as of now, it's impossible. And I feel so horrible about it. Nancy said I shouldn't worry, that I shouldn't let it eat me up. But you know how I am; I set myself up for this kind of misery all of the time.

I hope she can forgive me. She will, but probably not right away. That's something that I'm going to have to deal with. I'll speak with her today, through AIM as usual, and see what's up.

But, I think I found my inner peace. I'm happy to know that I will be in Connecticut, finally returning after being away for so long. I also believe I have my emotions under stable control, so I won't completely flip out when something discreet happens. Or something blatantly obvious. Which ever one, I won't go crazy. Well, perhaps a little.

I need to get myself preoccupied with something so that this entire week will go by seemingly fast. I need to stop thinking on what's happening in CT when I'm not there. It's no time for any of that jealousy shit. I have it under control, remember? Good. Grood.

I wonder if they read this?

Turning Point

Today, I will graduate high school.

I'm happy that Nancy and Siggy made it down from Connecticut. Honestly, I wish I could see all my friends here, but I'll have to wait for another week. Don't worry; I can wait.

Damn. Where has all that time gone? It's really been four years, huh? It doesn't even seem that long to me, but I suppose that's what they all say.

At any case, Connecticut's within reach, and so are many others.

I'll make my triumphant return soon enough.

Back Stabbed!

LP lied to me after all! How cruel and unjust!

And not just her, but Penn too! What the hell is up with everyone? Do they want me to become severely pissed? Are my teachers that evil? If so, then it sure as hell is working! Shit-face-motherf*****!

Jiminy Jack Jesus H. Christ on a stick! I am furious right now.

On a slightly happier note, Mercer assured me that I will be graduating come Saturday. In the end, that's really all that matters.

I re-installed Firefox a couple of days ago, so that's cool.

I need a haircut. A good haircut.

June has arrived, and my freedom will surely follow!

Waiting

That's really all I can do right now. Ha ha! His arm fell off! ^

It sucks how life comes back and bites me in the ass, especially when I proclaim something and firmly believe in it, only realize it was not how I felt. I constantly lied to myself, thinking that it would one day become true, and I wouldn't hurt so much. That was pretty stupid of me. Trying to forget made it hurt even more.

I don't need to name who she is. It's not like I'm ashamed or afraid, it's that anyone who knows me knows how it is. I know I tend to blog about her from time to time, not mentioning her name, as if I'm trying to be secretive or something. Am I trying to be secretive? Perhaps so. Why? For no reason at all. Are you sure? Positive. Regardless, I'm the only person I know to blog so damn much about everything.

Ironic how unrequited this feels. What a bastard, that irony is.

Nevermind What I Said

Yeah.

Well, I did happen to straighten out everything between Leake and I, so that's cool. I was really worried about the situation, and now it looks as though it was for nothing! Ah well, it's good.

Also, I turned eveything that I owe back to NJROTC. Shit, was that an awkward moment! I truly think Captain has some animosity towards me, because he really acted detatched when I spoke with him. I think he had hopes for me when I was in the program 2 years ago, and was planning on making me a credible officer. I had no choice to quit; I had to make room for my art classes. Any way, at least Master Chief was as cheery as she always was. It's just a relief now.

Guess what I got in the mail today? Bam! My official DL, lamenated and everything! Hurray!

I'm in a dire situation still, despite my recent reliefs. I'll see what happens.

Forward, March!

I'm starting to feel that the way I did before. I don't like feeling that way, but it's hard not to. It's none of my business; it shouldn't be anything for me to get upset about. It shouldn't... but it is. Why is this? It's because some feelings still linger, and I can't shake them off a second time around.

Any way, I'm eager for what's next, and I'm also afraid. But it's my future; everything I've wished for in the past. I can't back out now.

So much to do... so much to hope for. It all seems useless. Despite this, I'll keep trying. It's the best, and possibly, the only thing for me to do. The Rose contest is due tomorrow. I haven't done a thing.

Sadly, I may not have pinched myself enough in Leake's class. That stuff is due today. I wonder how I'm going to pull it off?

2 weeks left. I'm happy, but like I said before, I'm also scared. Gotta suck it up though; I need to show them I'm my own man.

Whatever.

The Gambling Master, I am Not

Turns out I'm not as lucky, nor as good at gambling as I previously thought I was. Curse thee Buddha! I shall have my winnings soon enough!

Also, it would appear I owe an apology to LP, who in fact corrected me about my grade. Still, I have no clue what I need to do for her. Is my grade really that low? If I can't crunch in time, Mercer will drop my diploma type to a standard. Then, my dying image as a "smart guy" will truly be dead; that I cannot have! This isn't about the grade anymore- it's about pride.

Friday, I am contemplating skipping, seeing as how it is, unofficially, Senior Skip Day, and that I will be at the movies instead at school. Oh, I'm such the truant, aren't I?

Nancy and Bob got the apartment in Enfield. That's good news. I still owe them an ass load of money. So let that be as it may.

I can feel it coming; my 3 year hiatus from CT will come to an end. I'll start anew; sailing from one ocean to another.

Blue

That's it. I have decided that I will keep sending the guidance office urgent messages until they schedule me to meet with Mercer. If not, I will ransack the place so that they'd have to let me see her! Ha ha. They'll probably suspend me, if anything. What tools.

Sorry, I've been severely pissed, mostly at the the school officials.

Grilled Cheese will be submitted to the Fine Arts Festival on the 17th! It's such a humorous art piece! Keith Haring really was a inspiration, R.I.P. So was Escher, by the way. Hopefully my silly doodles will make it in and not become a bummer like Hermiatge was. I can still feel the wounds! How painful.

LP has seriously misled me. And I thought I was doing good in her class. What more do I have to do? I have to figure it out soon.

Loneliness is such an awful feeling. I advise you avoid it any way you can. Unfortunately, I cannot. Which sucks, of course. I may have my remedy in June. It's naive to think like that, but a guy can hope, right?

What day is Toilet Paper Awareness Day? It's either in June or July. Make sure you have toilet paper in your bathroom this summer! Don't want to be on the can without it, that's for sure.

An Eventful Evening

Today was surely so. I drove all the way to Hermitage with Christina, and after the ceremony and witnessing the awesomeness that was the student art, we headed down to Game Stop at Janaf. I sold five games, earning me $40. Not bad, seeing as how I was robbed today at school. I how much did I lose? Take a guess. Cough, forty dollars, cough! Coincidence? I think not! Wait, it probably was one. Hot damn!

Fuck those kids in the locker room.

Any way, I have my plans set out. Tomorrow, I need to address this, because I've procrastinated for the last time. If have any time left, that is.

I feel so tired.

Rejected!

I've got some saddening news. The Hermitage Museum rejected my artwork! Oh, 'tis a woeful day. It sucks, I'll admit, but I am glad that other students from my high school were able to get in; this'll be a chance for BTW to finally show up those artsy-fartsy kids from the rival schools. That'll show 'em. And I'm still going to the ceremony. I can't pass up the opportunity of scoping out the competition. However, my absence from the contest is still a bummer. At least I can say I was in it last year.

On a slightly happier note, I got my DL today. Well, my temporary DL, but it's still valid. Awesomeness.

I hate my school's guidance secretary. Why must she always have a squirrel carcass shoved high up in her ass? All I needed to do was to drop something off to Mercer, but I couldn't do that one simple thing with out her throwing me a barrage of questions from her interrogation scheme. Let me do what I need to do, damnit!

All in all, things have been looking good. There's just one more thing I need to do. I should definitely get that done tonight or tomorrow night.

Good tidings were brought after all!

End of the Road is Near

Well, time is running thin, and there is still plenty of things that I need to do. Looks like this road is coming to an end soon.

My piece featuring Reg is in design. I'm preparing for the Hermitage Museum; hopefully I'll make it in and win something. I'm aware that it is really naive to depend on such a risky event with so much optimism. But how else am I suppose to look at it? If I'm too realistic and analytical, my self-esteem would surely be crippled by it. The last thing I want to think is that my work won't amount to everyone else's, and that what I envision in my future is meaningless. I seriously don't want to trip myself into depression. Not at this important point in my life.

So I guess it is time to face Master Chief and Captain at NJROTC and return all of my stuff. They will not be happy to see my ass, I can say that right now. Ha ha. But it's something that has to be done, or else I have to pay for all of it, which would amount to $225; this is money I am not willing to fork over.

SOLs have started again, and I'm confident I passed the Algebra 1 test that I never took (I was supposed to have taken it 3 years ago, but I wasn't in VA in 2004). I still need to speak with Mercer about my Analysis grade, which has been appearing as a E instead of a D, which is what it actually and rightfully is! Thinking about it makes my blood boil! On top of this, Gallop still has my cap & gown. I really need to get myself straight.

AADS starts tomorrow. I wonder how it's going to go down. I'm a little worried that once I get my "temporary" DL, that I won't be here when they mail my actual DL to my house. I'm sure I would have moved to CT by then. Driving to CT with only a 90 day temp DL... sounds so retarded. God help my poor self.

I shall blog again, hopefully with good tidings.

Perplexed

I seriously lack motivation, it's not even funny.

Two days ago, I submitted my short story "Sketch" into the literary festival via my english teacher. I actually wrote it almost two years ago. All it needed was some editing, but it still was a very nice piece. Honestly, it was the only school aproppiate story I've ever written. All the others are more zealous and less kind-hearty. The horror and thriller genre are not school administrative friendly.

Okay, here are the things I am hoping to accomplish between today and the summer (June) : build up some badly needed muscle mass, get my artwork into the Hermitage Art Musuem and win prizes, get into the Fine Arts Festival, straighten my situation with my scores and SOLs, contact Hartford Art School and MCC, and update my wardrobe. Yes, it is necessary. Ha ha!

I'm still in the waiting room. When the hell is it going to be my turn?

What Dreams May Bring

Now, I've had some pretty weird-ass dreams in the past. You know, like the one time I dreamt that I was getting chased by life sized fruits (apples, bananas, pears, grapes, etc.) on a really big kitchen counter-top and I ran for the sink in hopes of losing the giant fruits in the hot soapy water.

What the fuck was that all about?

Who knows.

All I need to focus on right now is me. Don't even think about Connecticut until the time comes. It's almost guruanteed that I'll be getting my DL on May 1st, so I have that to look forward to. Working and schooling is all I should do within these next 7-8 weeks.

Life

It's such a cruel mistress.

So everything seems to be going smoothly. Haven't heard from Mr. Rudivich yet, which means I'll probably be visiting him in the "Tower" sometime tomorrow. Jesus help me.

My struggles with employment might be mended by Lizzy, who might be able to get me a job. Of course, I'll only have this job for 2 months, seeing as how I am moving back to Connecticut. And that's if I actually apply, get an interview, and then get hired. But I feel comfortable in a gaming environment, so yeah. Hopefully this works out.

Whipped out the ol' Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones a couple of days ago and started playing it. Helluva fun game, but it pisses me off at the same time.

I've noticed something just a bit odd. The Chinese zodiac is interesting, and surprisingly accurate. I'm not one to become quickly guillable and believe in this kind of supersticious jargon, but it has been making me wonder. I was born in 1989, the year of the Snake, and the description for "snake" males fits me perfectly. I guess I find it amusing, thats all.

When the Ball starts Rolling...

Finally found where I could get a D.E. Roll card! Apparently Mr. Hanes had them, and Jasmine was nice enough to direct me to his office. It's easy enough; all I have to do is fill it out and then give it to a secretary in the main office where they will place in Mr. Rudivich's mail box. Mr. Rudivich... what a funny name. I'm sure I'm spelling it wrong, but who's going to complain? Besides, I hear the dude is always in "the Tower", surveying the surrounding traffic, like some crazy hermit who sits on top of his mountain, where he looks down on the world below. Insane stuff is going on there, let me tell you. Any way, I'm am just going to have to be patient and wait until I somehow get word from Mr. Rudivich, or I could visit him in his natural domain, "the Tower". I dread the day.

So tomorrow, I am going to ask Brandon for information about the The Tucker House, specifically for employment. Hey, what I'm thinking is, if they hired Nathan, then they should hire me. No offense to you Nathan, of course, but that is my logic. Hopefully Brandon doesn't shoot me down.

A while ago, I spoke with Brooks. Well, more like he started talking and I had no choice but to listen. He's an interesting character though. Brooks talked about his beliefs in relationships, and what he would do in certain situations. I take it that Brooks represents a majority of what men would do in their relationships, and it turns out I'm very different. Maybe it's just that Brooks hasn't reached that level of maturity. I have more morals, expectations, and standards. There are just some things I could never do if I were with someone. I'll leave it at that.

We shall see what happens in the days to come.

The Fool of April: Musings of Today

It's been interesting to see what would happen when I finally became active. I can see now that my lack of motivation to do the things I need to do is having its consequences. I maybe unintentionally pissing people off, and I'm so sorry if I am. I have no clue what I'm doing wrong. Hence, I am a fool.

I really wonder if my mannerisms and my body language tell people a different story. I don't think it does. I know what I want to tell someone, and I know how to say it or do it. I'm never stuck in between, or at least that is what I think. I would hate to send someone the wrong message.

My stomach hasn't been my best friend as of late. Its been troubling me for the past week, and I don't know what the hell is up with it. I hope its not a virus, because there won't be any fun times there.

Whatever. I think I'm just being moody. I hope I don't turn into some sort of madman, hah ha. Hanging in there is all there is to do. And I'll do just that.

Let's Talk About Love

It's a very complex sort of thing, isn't it? Sure, it can be straight forward, but most of the time it leaves people puzzled. I don't know why I have to be analytical about everything; I'd like to discuss many things about my life from another perspective. There's evidence of this in many of my previous blogs, so I'll try my best to write this entry without sounding repetitive.

I'm going to assume that those of you who are reading this have fallen in love or have been in love before. That's fantastic. But what did it mean; why do we fall in love with people? Do we want somebody we could share all the meaningful things in life with, somebody who could make us feel awesome on the inside everyday, someone we could tell all our problems and secrets to without being criticized, someone who wouldn't judge us for the way we are, but love us for it, someone who we could fall asleep with, and they would be right there next to us when we woke up? Of course we want these things, thats why these are the reasons why we fall in love with a person, among others. Nothing beats the satisfaction of spending time with those you love, whether that be with family, friends, or your lover. We all know this to be true.

Just as people can fall in love, we also fall out of love for a number of reasons. Let your imagination do the work for you. Some of us have been down that road before, and sometimes it was out of our hands. Sometimes we blame ourselves, which never yields anything good, or we blame the other, which just creates animosity and two bitter individuals. Whatever the reason, the initial feeling after a break up is probably going to be one of two feelings: happiness or heartache. I think we experience more of the latter than anythings else.

Any way, what a boring blog. Ha ha. Who ever reads this is probably like, "What the f*** is up with this douche, and what the hell is he talking about?"

I think it's important, to me at least. If one were to look into the annals of Mikey's encounters of love, it would be hard to describe their reaction. It's funny, but sad at the same time. Hopelessly pathetic on my part too. I have yet met another guy who has had five girls form an "appreciation group" dedicated to himself. You have no idea how many of my friends laughed at me when I told them about it. I mean, when I found out, I was shocked. Who the hell am I? I'm no one special, so why do these girls like me? I think my friends expected me to take advantage of it, but there was no way I was going to. It would be morally wrong first of all. Secondly, I was not attracted to any of them. And third, I was in the process of re-developing feelings for someone who I never believed still thought of me. But I'm happy she does.

I've never felt better in my life. I know that this summer is going to be unlike any other. This love blog was something I really needed to write. At any rate, I'm going to go back being my swashbuckling-self and wish you all a smooth sailings.

A Long Train Ride Home: The First Post

I guess now that I'm blogging on this website, I have no need for my Live Journal account. I've had that thing since the beginning of high school, (I have not touched it in so many years) and I believe it's time to move on.

Wow. Where should I begin? I'm mentally preparing myself for the eleven hour train ride back home to Virginia. Of course, within the next two months, I won't be calling it my home anymore, but merely a former life I once led. I am so eager to live in Connecticut again that my heart aches. I hate to sound like such an "emo" about it, but it's the truth. I have no other way to describe it. I left so many friends and abandoned all of my familiarities to go move to a place where I didn't want to be. However, it's frivolous dwelling on it; these feelings won't matter once I'm back.

But what happens then? Okay, cool: I move back to Connecticut and I see all my old friends, we all get to hang out as much as we want, I get to be independent and lead my own life, and eventually go through art college. It sounds simple enough, and there seems to be much to look forward to. I'll be honest, I'm somewhat afraid. I'll be thrusting myself out into the world, fresh out of high school. I believe everything is going to turn out the way I want it to, and as dangerous and naive as that may sound, I am going to keep believing that my life will soon be back on track. I've learned that being optimistic will help me become motivated into making my plans a reality. And there is nothing more that I want than to have my desires become real.

I think that spending this week in Connecticut has helped me decide what I want and who I want in my life. Now, I will be back in Norfolk, and I'll be readying myself for the future.