Tentacles of the Squid

The title is completely random. I swear.

So, my weight is becoming an issue. I don't have much of it is the problem. My plan is to gain weight, and then exercise it off. Muscle mass! Or am I just stuck in a dream?

Nope.

2009 is coming closer. I feel like I haven't accomplished what I wanted to at this point. Perhaps 2009 is going to be fruitful. I will look forward to it!

Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away)

Originally posted December 15, 2008:

If only it were that simple.

I want to say that I'm tired of having 70%+ of my blogs being about Kate, but I can't help it. It's all said and done. I can edit all the entries I want, but I'll still end up writing another at four in the morning, complaining how I can't sleep. I need to get over it. I'm forcing myself not to care, and maybe it's not the best thing to do, but there isn't any other way to deal with it. Genuinely not caring is easy. Forcing yourself to not caring is hard. Extremely hard. I've done this before, that's what kills me. Burning away the fondness I have for her down to just being a casual friend is something I don't look forward to again, but it's all my fault. My words, my timing, my actions; whatever I say or do, it'll always be my fault, because that's how it always ends up as.

Why? I don't know.

I'm going to mention that I've been liking a lot of the Deftones' songs lately, as the title is a song by them. I don't know, I guess most of their songs have been summing up the way of I've been feeling recently.

The next destination is Target, then moving on the rest of my life.

Dad better have received my e-mail! I hate FAFSA

Conclusion

I told her.

But I only said that I still liked her, and that I didn't expect anything from her. Kate understood, but she said nothing else.

I've concluded that her feelings of me are mixed. She probably doesn't think of me like she used too, how she told me exactly what I told her just a few minutes ago. Kate revealed to me that she still liked me over a year ago (last November) but this no longer holds to be true.

It's not her unrequited love that hurts the most, but it's the damn irony. When she told me last November, I had just gotten over my feelings for her, to a point where I wanted her to date someone else. We were hundreds of miles apart, so even if I said I still liked her then, that love would have dissolved very quickly. But now that I have moved back, it would seem that those ancient, undying feelings for Kate resurfaced, and I found myself infatuated once again. It took me this long to tell her how I currently felt about her, but it seems Kate's feelings are no longer there. And I'm stuck here wondering what I should do now.

Whether she is going to think about this matter any deeper or totally disregard my feelings because she has given up on the prospect of starting another relationship with me is definitely unclear, but I'm not going to doubt either one. The best thing to do now is do what I need to do, which is find work and apply for school, with Dad's help of course. Another thing, is, continue with Desire. That's the only thing I have left to win Kate's heart again, despite its continuous need of time, money, and effort.

If all fails, then that's okay. Really, it is. At least I will know that it was never meant to be.

Until then, I still remain hopeful. Maybe something good will come my way.

Decision

Why am I so nervous?

I'm going in expecting nothing in my favor, so if I am rejected, it won't hurt as much.

When everything is said and done, I'll still be alright.

Climbing Out of the Hole

I thought all my problems would be solved once I arrived in Connecticut. Now, some 6 months later, I find myself still stuck with the same dilemmas that plagued me while I was in Virginia. But, I have no one to blame except for myself. Instead of mending my problems, I come here and blog about my woe. It's not really solving anything; putting all my frustrations into text is what I'm doing.

I'm an expert at digging myself into a hole. Ever since June, I've been digging myself deeper in a dark pit of misery. I'm so far down, that I've stumbled across some dinosaur bones!

Now, I can tell what I can do to get the hell out of this hole, and it's very simple: First and foremost, get a job, any job, any where. Secondly, apply for MCC and FAFSA before the January deadline. Last, but not least, I must let Kate know. I have to. There's no dodging it this time. I can't avoid any longer. Whenever I can get some time alone with her, it'll be an ideal moment to tell her.

I'll still be sailing the sea, chasing the enigmatic.