Never Coming True

Everything and everyone. It's all a fantasy.

Well, this was an interesting week. I had much to think about, mostly on what direction I'm taking my life, and everyone that's in it.

Since moving back up here, I expected a glowing beam of hope and happiness to instantly shine down on me. Like this was some sort of Promise Land where I could achieve bliss. Well, it's harder than I realized. That crap takes time and a ton of patience. I still feel kind of miserable, maybe even more so than I was in Virginia, but when I look at the Pros and Cons, I've concluded that I am better off right here.

I wonder if I'm coming any closer, or straying further away? I always seem to make things difficult when they really shouldn't be.

It also must be my fault that I'm alone right now. Bored out of my mind, and trying to find something to do.

You can't always have what you want - I've been saying that to myself for awhile now.

Severely Disappointing

On my behalf, of course.

Sometimes, I have the weirdest, nonsensical dreams. It was pretty bad.

Now that the work week is over, I need set out on my day of doing important things while I have the chance. Yes, a chance.

So, it has occurred to me why I never got a ticket on the S.S. Happy Fun Times. It's because I'm a Scalora, and the demand for Scaloras is at a low, isn't it? Someone wasn't happy with the product, and now they refuse to play with it? Or is it a fault on our behalf? A mixture of both, I believe.

Hopefully, I get to hang out with people today.

Rare

I've never posted any sort of fiction here before. Then again, "The Yearning Seafarer" was not meant as a fictional piece, but as a nautical-themed metaphor of my true feelings.

I also posted it onto Facebook. That way, it may get more exposure.

Dropping little hints here and there is no problem of mine.

The Yearning Seafarer

A boat and her captain sailed out of this harbor to witness the sea in all her unbridled beauty before I ever had the chance. Now I'm stuck here on the shores, with sand between my toes, watching as the sea caresses this fledgling sailor on top her waves. The scene is perfect, rendering me, a fool, obsolete.

I clench my fist; I curse myself for being an imbecile and wasting my time with pointless pondering when I could have prepared my galleon for a nautical voyage across the sea's eternal love. However, this time, it was not to be. It is now the sole privilege of this young new man, who tackled the challenge of riding the currents of the sea with such ease and grace that I could have only dreamed of. Fate has it as it is, as he sails off over the horizon with destiny's gales to his back. They beckon him to her heart, a treasure I still dearly seek. Resentment resides, but I manage to muster a smile for the young seafarer. He sails her waters so, and for that, he must be the better man.

But this is not the end. I fathom the reality that his ship must sink someday, and that I shall take up my helm to return on her waters like years before. That one day, my love will pierce through the blue depths of the ocean, reclaiming the treasure to which I once held. I thought of this, and concluded that the beach is no place for a sailor.

My sorrows have seen the bottom of the rum bottle, and I will not sit idly by while my heart is mocked in front of my eyes.

My galleon awaits my guiding hand, and I will guide it through the ocean vast, seeking the treasure sought out by more than just one man.

I sail, once again.

Minus the Pre-Marital Sex

Anyone with me? No? Aw, screw you. But not literally.

So, it's after three in the morning and I can't fall asleep. Probably because I have many things on my mind right now. Or it could be the sugar. A mixture of both then.

Damn it! I left my sweet-ass hoodie at work today! But it may still be there on Monday...

Damn it again! My neck is red and sore from the daily harassment of Kate and Haley!

But I love those two, so it's okay.

Childish

Sometimes, I act more like a child then what I lead others to believe. How immature of me.

It's none of my business. I keep forgetting this truth, mainly because my jealously blinds me for a couple of moments. But I've come back to my senses, like an adult should, and have re-realized that it's none of my business. None at all.

It's become more complicated than I thought. I believe that the best thing to do is concentrate on improving myself, both physically and mentally, all over again. Now, this doesn't mean that I'm giving up; I'll never give up, but it just means it's no longer my first priority. There are many other things that could use my attention right now, which all have been suffering because of my neglect.

I've been trying so hard to push away my growing resentment. I wouldn't exactly call it "hate", because that's a very strong word that shouldn't be casted on just anything. Much like the word "love", despite being completely opposite in meaning. It's interesting how my emotions can turn and become completely the opposite, huh?

Perhaps there isn't a place for me. That the vacant spot I created when I left has been filled, and now that I've returned, there just isn't any space for me anymore. Is that the truth? A demotion. Ha ha ha. No, it's not like that at all, or at least that's what I want to believe.

I'll always be there. Past, present, and future. I wonder if that's known? I can't deny how I still feel, and I won't, but like I said, it's no longer my top priority.

But I refuse give up, because she's still important to me.

Tranquility Is All I Want

And it's no lie.

So, I'm looking forward to the weekend, as usual. Tomorrow is Nancy's birthday; she's finally turning 21! We grow old so fast.

I'm going to be changing the layout of this blog pretty damn soon. Perhaps tomorrow. I hate seeing this thing all gloomy-like. It sends the wrong message, you know? There isn't much that's worse than sending the wrong message.

Again, I'm trying to make sense of Kate's abuse towards me. Is it really just how she's expressing her affection? That her constant ridicule and jabs to my manhood are actually vessels for her love of me?

Or is it something more complicated, like her actions are actually a true reflection of an inner dislike towards me, for whatever reason. Because I moved away? The three years of absence from her life; has she secretly hated me for it? Ha ha. I believe I'm thinking about all of this too seriously.

In due time.