Show Me The Way

I need some assistance please.

Maybe I need to lighten up more. Hell, I keep complaining about this, and I know I should've when I had the chance. But I blew it. I kind of regret it now, but I'm sure they'll be more opportunities in the future. It's sad that I'm partially do this so that I can feel that we're even.

This brings me to the supposed road trip we're taking to Washington D.C., if that's actually going to happen. I personally want to, because it could be a lot of fun. I just don't want to feel disappointed when I found out that we can't, for whatever reason. I don't think I could deal with that amount of disappointment all at once. Too much to handle, you know?

I kind of want to see Tonette too, but knowing her, I probably won't see her in D.C. at all unless we stop by Corcoran. Also, the prospective of Kate and Haley meeting my parents in Virginia is weird in itself. Just the thought of Kate being in Virginia would seriously fuck up my psyche, and I'll tell you why. When I think of my time in Virginia, I'm reminded (at first) how sad and depressed I was because I moved away fro Kate and all my friends in Connecticut. It was the epitome of sadness, and later Norfolk became the home I reluctantly embraced, and became the start of a new beginning. Basically, I thought I would never see Kate or anyone from Connecticut again. Which was why when Andy and Matt Slack came down to visit that one summer, it totally blew my mind! Seeing anyone from Connecticut in Virginia totally blew my mind! It was like different memories years apart were fuzing together right in front of me! Same thing happened when Siggy came down with Nancy for my graduation. Totally weird. And now there's the possibility of Kate in Virginia. I think my eyes are going to bleed.

I think Her and Haley spent the night at a Hotel on Friday night. They went to some party involving bowling with Xanth and his buddies. Did they all sleep in the Hotel? Why a Hotel? what was the party for? You know, it's none of my business. As long as there weren't any orgies going on, I couldn't care less, and I shouldn't! Besides, would Kate's parents be okay with that? Hell, I need to stop. You see what I' talking about when I say I'm a bit paranoid? Christ, it seems like it gets worse everyday.

Wow, that was a long paragraph. Any way, I should get in touch with Dale and Pat. I really want to chill with those guys again. Perhaps I'll hit them up on the Face later so we can hang. I totally miss the old days. Speaking of old days, I wonder what John-John and Lindsey are up to? Lindsey is going to be graduating this year, and it's been a couple of years since I've last seen the two, especially John. Those darn Asian kids; we're growing up way too fast.

Well, I've been slacking a lot on Desire. How do I expect to get sweet abs in time for the greatest season of all?
Hells yeah bitches! I really hope summer is going to be kick ass this year. I reeeeaaaaaalllly hope so.

Turquoise Colored Soul Blister

Don't ask me what it means.

Damn. This whole graphic novel thing isn't working out too well. I'm being extremely lazy and not drawing. That will change! I've promised myself. I have all these awesome ideas and I'm letting them waste away in my head! Plus, I don't have Photoshop. I suppose I could just do the pencils and ink them. I need to get some advice from actual comic dudes. I know Kazu Kibuishi uses Photoshop to do his colors for his comic strip "Copper", but maybe I'll ask some other established peeps (perhaps some artists featured in the "Flight" anthology).

I'm actually quite looking forward to attending that Job Fair at MCC with Aunt Anna and Uncle Joe, and perhaps Nancy, if she opts to go. I seriously need a better job.

And wouldn't you know it. My internet is down. So, I'm gonna have to wait and post this some other time.

I'm also pretty bored. Not sure what I should do. I could play more RE5, and I probably will, or maybe I'll start reading that Neil Gaiman book, "Fragile Things", or continue with my "Monsters of the Sea" book by that dude. Richard something.

Hell with it. I'm gonna draw! Or atleast attempt to. Dear God. My skills have declined.

Sadface.

Dull

Indeed so.

I'm don't feel happy, and I don't think I have felt happy for a long time. Ever since I've gotten to experience "life" for what it is, shit just seems harder to take. But, you know, I have every reason to be happy: I'm within close proximity with a loving family, I know and love the best people on this planet and could not simply live without them, and I'm not bound by strict governing, because I basically live on my own, which in returns results in utter freedom. So what's the big deal?

The big deal is that I'm stuck with a crappy part-time job that doesn't pay nearly enough for me to be able to live completely on my own, so in turn I am financially supported by my father. I am completely dependent on his support, which bothers me. I not saying that I'm not grateful for his help, because I am and I love my father, but it saddens me to no end that I'm not capable of supporting myself independently.

And then there's Kate. I can never get over her and I might as well except it. I'm unrequited, and the pain is just what I have to live with indefinitely. The area where my heart is literally hurts (like my chest is caving in on itself) just when I think about her. I maybe in constant emotional pain, but I believe I have control over it. I've taught myself un-harmful and ethical ways of dealing with the pain, like art, exercising, writing, and gaming. Of course, I've always been avid against self-mutilation and suicidal actions and remain true to that. I would never consider such heinous things, thus are never mused.

I just feel dull. Like my life isn't getting any where. Alas, there are better things to do than just to wallow in my own sorrow. In the next couple of days, I'm going to attempt to pave the road to which will lead me to actual happiness. Lol, sounds kind of lame, I know, but it beats sittin' around doing nothing, right?

Smooth Sailings, bitches!

Completely Flammable

Who doesn't want things burst into flames?

Nevermind, that sounds a bit dangerous.

Well, let me be blunt. Bob and Kay are done. She broke up with him yesterday, thus making her presence permanently absent from the apartment. She already moved all her stuff and the like away to her parent's house. I honestly can't imagine the feelings Bob must be experiencing. I bet it's much more severe than what I've felt in the past. She's still going to pay her part of the rent because she's one the lease, but when June rolls around, that's it. I hope Bob can find the strength to deal with this.

On the flip side, I bought a black steel ring that's situated on my right index finger. Not sure how, but I think it'll serve me well.

I'm stuck. I'm not sure where I' gonna go with the art I'm making. I want to get serious, as much as an amateur that I am, I think it's the best way to get my mind off a lot of things. I've consistently said that I was going to create content that would eventually be compiled into a graphic novel. I still want to do this, but I have so many different ideas and I'm lost on which one I should follow. I'd like to dedicate my time to all of them, but I'm afraid I only have enough patience for one particular set. And when I make that choice, I have to serious develop a decent plot with an understandable story and realistic and lovable characters. It's kind of pissing me off, deciding what to do with all this creativeness. Whatever, if I actually sit down and work things out, I'll find myself on the right direction.

I wonder what's gonna happen now?

I Can't Sleep

I just can't.

Today, or rather yesterday, should've been the nail in the coffin, but it isn't. Why is that? Despite the clear images the work against me and my goal? Am I just so much of a loser I can't just let go? Yeah, probably. But I'm a loser in love. Even though her heart is not there for me to take, I'll wait.

I'm going to ask her if she's dating Xanth, although I'm pretty sure she is. They act so complimentary to each other. And if they are, then I don't want to get in between them. I'll be happy for them.

Edit 3:01p.m.

Sooooo, I guess they're not dating, as she said to me, but he (Xanth) is just "really cuddly".

I suppose you can say the same thing about me too, so I guess that's that, for now.

Clockin' the Jiz

WTF is up with my entry titles lately?

Any way, I hope Nancy gets this kick ass job at ING. She needs that money, yo. Then again, doesn't everybody? I know I do, shit.

I'm going to try to keep myself from shedding some tears tomorrow. Damn, I was crying like a baby last year. I tried to suck it up like man, but the loss was just so much. I miss Grandpa.

Today will be interesting, to say the least.

Oh, by the way, before I forget, let jut say this: Fuck work. I swear, they seem to be fuckin' around with me over at that hole in the Earth.

Pft.

The Escapist and His Antidote

No, it's not the website that Yahtzee bases his awesome game reviews from.

So, how many times have I blogged about this? Probably a dozen. Now, I seriously think I need to do something about it. It's literally making me feel sick from the inside. Why am I doing this to myself? It's really unnecessary. And very childish of me. Why can't I just let it go? December. I told her in December, but I lied. I said I expected nothing from her in return, when what I really wanted was her love. But I just didn't get that. I'm under the impression it belongs to somebody else.

My plan now is to escape from all these negatives in my head by doing something that will definitely remedy me, my soul, and hopefully put me back on track: to draw. Art has constantly been the one thing to ease my mind and I'm in need of that antidote.

March is here. I have the rest of this month to actually start, and perhaps by summer, I'll have the best weapon of all.

I've gone completely insane.