Dull

Indeed so.

I'm don't feel happy, and I don't think I have felt happy for a long time. Ever since I've gotten to experience "life" for what it is, shit just seems harder to take. But, you know, I have every reason to be happy: I'm within close proximity with a loving family, I know and love the best people on this planet and could not simply live without them, and I'm not bound by strict governing, because I basically live on my own, which in returns results in utter freedom. So what's the big deal?

The big deal is that I'm stuck with a crappy part-time job that doesn't pay nearly enough for me to be able to live completely on my own, so in turn I am financially supported by my father. I am completely dependent on his support, which bothers me. I not saying that I'm not grateful for his help, because I am and I love my father, but it saddens me to no end that I'm not capable of supporting myself independently.

And then there's Kate. I can never get over her and I might as well except it. I'm unrequited, and the pain is just what I have to live with indefinitely. The area where my heart is literally hurts (like my chest is caving in on itself) just when I think about her. I maybe in constant emotional pain, but I believe I have control over it. I've taught myself un-harmful and ethical ways of dealing with the pain, like art, exercising, writing, and gaming. Of course, I've always been avid against self-mutilation and suicidal actions and remain true to that. I would never consider such heinous things, thus are never mused.

I just feel dull. Like my life isn't getting any where. Alas, there are better things to do than just to wallow in my own sorrow. In the next couple of days, I'm going to attempt to pave the road to which will lead me to actual happiness. Lol, sounds kind of lame, I know, but it beats sittin' around doing nothing, right?

Smooth Sailings, bitches!

Completely Flammable

Who doesn't want things burst into flames?

Nevermind, that sounds a bit dangerous.

Well, let me be blunt. Bob and Kay are done. She broke up with him yesterday, thus making her presence permanently absent from the apartment. She already moved all her stuff and the like away to her parent's house. I honestly can't imagine the feelings Bob must be experiencing. I bet it's much more severe than what I've felt in the past. She's still going to pay her part of the rent because she's one the lease, but when June rolls around, that's it. I hope Bob can find the strength to deal with this.

On the flip side, I bought a black steel ring that's situated on my right index finger. Not sure how, but I think it'll serve me well.

I'm stuck. I'm not sure where I' gonna go with the art I'm making. I want to get serious, as much as an amateur that I am, I think it's the best way to get my mind off a lot of things. I've consistently said that I was going to create content that would eventually be compiled into a graphic novel. I still want to do this, but I have so many different ideas and I'm lost on which one I should follow. I'd like to dedicate my time to all of them, but I'm afraid I only have enough patience for one particular set. And when I make that choice, I have to serious develop a decent plot with an understandable story and realistic and lovable characters. It's kind of pissing me off, deciding what to do with all this creativeness. Whatever, if I actually sit down and work things out, I'll find myself on the right direction.

I wonder what's gonna happen now?

I Can't Sleep

I just can't.

Today, or rather yesterday, should've been the nail in the coffin, but it isn't. Why is that? Despite the clear images the work against me and my goal? Am I just so much of a loser I can't just let go? Yeah, probably. But I'm a loser in love. Even though her heart is not there for me to take, I'll wait.

I'm going to ask her if she's dating Xanth, although I'm pretty sure she is. They act so complimentary to each other. And if they are, then I don't want to get in between them. I'll be happy for them.

Edit 3:01p.m.

Sooooo, I guess they're not dating, as she said to me, but he (Xanth) is just "really cuddly".

I suppose you can say the same thing about me too, so I guess that's that, for now.

Clockin' the Jiz

WTF is up with my entry titles lately?

Any way, I hope Nancy gets this kick ass job at ING. She needs that money, yo. Then again, doesn't everybody? I know I do, shit.

I'm going to try to keep myself from shedding some tears tomorrow. Damn, I was crying like a baby last year. I tried to suck it up like man, but the loss was just so much. I miss Grandpa.

Today will be interesting, to say the least.

Oh, by the way, before I forget, let jut say this: Fuck work. I swear, they seem to be fuckin' around with me over at that hole in the Earth.

Pft.

The Escapist and His Antidote

No, it's not the website that Yahtzee bases his awesome game reviews from.

So, how many times have I blogged about this? Probably a dozen. Now, I seriously think I need to do something about it. It's literally making me feel sick from the inside. Why am I doing this to myself? It's really unnecessary. And very childish of me. Why can't I just let it go? December. I told her in December, but I lied. I said I expected nothing from her in return, when what I really wanted was her love. But I just didn't get that. I'm under the impression it belongs to somebody else.

My plan now is to escape from all these negatives in my head by doing something that will definitely remedy me, my soul, and hopefully put me back on track: to draw. Art has constantly been the one thing to ease my mind and I'm in need of that antidote.

March is here. I have the rest of this month to actually start, and perhaps by summer, I'll have the best weapon of all.

I've gone completely insane.

Suck-tastic: My Day at Work!

The Reckoning!

In theaters never.

So, coupled with a crappy-ass day at work, I find myself at a crossroad. I'm torn, but not between Scylla and Charybdis. Or maybe I am? Well, let's see: I hate my job (only when I'm on the register), but I like my co-workers and my bosses, I hate getting paid minimum wage but it's all I've got right now.

In conclusion, I'm going to continue my search for a better job. Better paying, perhaps. We shall see.

You know what? I had a funny feeling today was going to suck ass. I just knew it.

Ugh.

The Weary Hand

It just ain't what it used to be.

So, I've decided to dedicate a majority of my time improving my drawing skills, as they have waned due to years of neglect. How do I expect to illustrate my wonderful stories if I lack the artistic drive? How indeed.

Until I get my money back in taxes so I can do the stuff I've wanted to do for awhile, I'm gonna turn my focus towards drawing and computing. And my books, which I haven't read through yet. I will though, I promise.

I haven't entirely decided what I wanted to do with the UFA. I've been focusing on elements with so much depth that I've ignored the things I should have been working on from the start. Like the actual plot. Gee, who knew, right? It always ends up like that.

I'm still in development, so I don't need to buy any big fancy paper to draw on yet. I want to make sure my skills are up to par before I do any actual progress with the UFA. Another thing I need to do is to give the damn thing a fucking title. That's a start. It's just so difficult to do so. I can spend hours trying to figure out a really kick ass and meaningful title. Hours. Without coming to a final choice.

Whatever. Back to drawing.